Being officially in taper land (15 days!!) runs are no longer hitting PRs and my mind has been wandering in a different way.
On my run today I started thinking back to what got me to be one of the lucky ones who gets to live the next 15 days in excitement and anticipation of running the Boston Marathon. Sure I’ve been training since Decemeber, but I’m only here because of a choice I made about 15 months ago. It was an active choice to be a new me and to lead my life where I wanted to go, not travel helplessly along feeling as if I had no control. What’s funny is at that time I never thought it would bring me to running a marathon, but hey life is full of surprises!
I’m sure others who have been unhealthy and unhappy can relate to the constant negative self talk. Whether I said things out loud or internalized my thoughts I always seemed to find opportunities to recognize what I didn’t like about myself. Sometimes you find the weirdest things to make yourself feel bad about yourself and one of those things for me was my shadow.
I remember times outside either alone or with friends and seeing my shadow on the ground. With friends it was the worst because I had comparison silhouettes, but regadless I was always without doubt horrified at what I saw. I could look into the mirror and “fool” myself, in a way, by doing my hair and makeup and putting on some fun accessories. But my shadow for me was always the unrelenting truth. No features to fall back on, I was forced to see every unflattering curve, bulge and proportion and I hated the shadow I used to cast on the world.
I am still a long way from perfect. I have missed runs or the gym when I should’ve, and could’ve, gone. I don’t always eat the most balanced of meals and I have a pretty crazy sweet tooth at times. I enjoy a Hulu/Netflix series binge fest that requires minimal movement for the majority of a day. There will always be room for improvement, but I am happy and healthy enough to take on life with a newfound energy and enthusiasm that makes setting and achieving goals possible.
Now when I see my shadow I feel as if I’m casting a more true representation of who I am and who I always wanted to be. I see a more womanly sillhoutte and a shape that shows strength and confidence. It has been a journey getting to this point, but today I was honestly able to look down at my shadow with a sense of pride about the transformation I have made and the life I am living.